


Jewelled Roses

by DancingLassie



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: BAMF Lobelia, Crack, Gen, Humor, Smooth talking Bilbo, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2013-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 19:13:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancingLassie/pseuds/DancingLassie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for this prompt:</p>
<p>The REAL reason Bilbo ran after the dwarves was because he accidentally crushed Lobelia's prize winning plants and had to run as she chased after him threatening to disembowel him. </p>
<p>Believing he had left Lobelia back at the shire, Bilbo is among the shocked and frightened when he sees Lobelia cutting her way through the army of Orcs and Goblins at the BOFA armed only with a kitchen knife and making her way towards him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jewelled Roses

**Author's Note:**

> Needless to say I shouldn't have written this. Eight exams that count towards my degree and I decided this was the perfect time to scroll through prompts. I couldn't resist this one! It was so much better than revising vision and perception.

“Oh no!” Bilbo stared aghast at the mangled roses at his feet.  He looked around, desperately searching for any witnesses that he might need to bribe to keep quiet and, seeing none, sprinted as fast as he could back to Bag End.

No one, and this included dwarves, elves, wizards and Sauron, ever destroyed Lobelia’s roses.  The one poor lad who had thoughtlessly picked one for his sweetheart hadn’t left his smial since.  And Bilbo had just trodden all over them!

He honestly had not meant to.  He’d woken up after a harrowing night entertaining thirteen unexpected dwarves and seen the contract he hadn’t signed sitting on his table like it was mocking him.  For one brief moment he’d felt the urge to go on this adventure, and quickly tried to squash it.  However, it refused to leave him be and he forced himself to take a brisk walk around Hobbiton to clear his head.  He’d been so busy arguing with himself that he hadn’t watched where he put his feet.

Hence why he was now in this rather dire predicament.  All he could do was pray that Lobelia never worked out it was him.

“BILBO BAGGINS!  I AM GOING TO GUT YOU!”

No such luck.  Bilbo looked frantically around for an escape, but even that wouldn’t save him from her ire for long.  The contract caught his eye again.  There was only one thing to do.

Five minutes later Lobelia was still hammering on the door.  She was doing it so loudly that she missed the quiet figure that darted out a window around the side and darted away from Bag End and down the path.  Bilbo ran as fast as he could the moment he was out of sight.  The quest would likely be far better for his health than staying around here.

\-----

By the time the Battle of the Five Armies was well under way, Bilbo was beginning to regret that thought.  The trolls were bad, but he’d rather be quickly gobbled up by them than gutted slowly with a spoon by a certain terrifying hobbit.  Even the goblins and Gollum were more pleasant.  Granted the spiders were a close call, but he figured that was because both Lobelia and the spiders were equally poisonous.

As for the Elven King, well he reminded Bilbo of Lobelia in one of her rare pleasant moods.  Finally, Smaug was hardly worth all the fuss that was made about him.  The most unpleasant thing about the dragon was the way it boasted like Lobelia wanted too.  Bilbo shuddered to think about what Lobelia would be like if she ever won the tomato competition.  Probably even worse than the dragon.

However, he would currently rather face Lobelia than the battle.  It was worse than a night with the Tooks and the Brandybucks at the Green Dragon, and that said a lot.  As he ducked a flying head he desperately searched for where Thorin might be.  The stupid dwarf king was bound to get himself in trouble without Bilbo there to watch out for him.  And where he went Fili and Kili would follow.

To his horror he saw Thorin, Fili and Kili not to far away from him, but all three were on the ground and Azog was towering over them, mace raised and ready to run them through.  Bilbo did the only thing he could do.  He sprinted towards the group as fast as his legs could carry him and raised Sting to block the blow.  He could feel the bones in his arm break.

He fell to the ground with a grunt, sword arm hanging uselessly at his side.  Azog laughed as Fili and Kili grabbed the hobbit and pulled him in to huddle with them and Thorin.  At least they would go die together, was Bilbo’s not very comforting thought.

“BILBO BAGGINS!”

The entire battle field seemed to stop; half of the warriors halted mid swing and fell into the mud.  All looked round to find the source of that monstrous noise.  Imagine everyone’s shock when they realised it came from a four foot, irate hobbit woman who was striding angrily through the battle field waving a bread knife.

“DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT LEAVING THE SHIRE WAS GOING TO SAVE YOUR WORTHLESS HIDE?! THOSE WERE MY PRIZE WINNING ROSES!”

Bilbo let out a squeak, darted up and grabbed the first thing he could reach to hide behind. 

It turned out to be Azog.  The orc had no time to be confused or angry because just as he realised what was going on he was impaled with a bread knife.

Bilbo let go of the corpse as it fell to the ground.  Lobelia was trying desperately to tug the knife free of the body in order to have another swing at her original target.  Not wanting the Durins to become collateral damage to her rage, Bilbo gritted his teeth and did what he had to do.

“Now my dear, there is no need for all this fuss,” he said in his most kindly and genteel voice.  Lobelia bristled.

“You-” she began but Bilbo quickly cut her off before she could get herself worked up again.

“I accidentally stepped on your roses, and as soon as I realised my heinous crime I knew I had to make amends, which is why I journeyed with a band of dwarves to reclaim Erebor.  I had heard that anything could be made in these great halls, and I knew that in order to fully earn your forgiveness I needed to get you flowers of rubies and emeralds.  Flowers that would never break under thoughtless wondering feet.  I was just about to commission them when… this little dispute cropped up.”

His ploy worked marvellously.  Lobelia had gone from being angry, to pleased, to vexed at everyone that wasn’t him. 

Bilbo was wincing on the inside.  Charming Lobelia always made him feel slightly sick.  When he’d first done it they’d been young and Bilbo had flirted with any relatively pretty girl that crossed his path.  Unlike the other girls Lobelia had dug her teeth in and held on tight.  She became determined to marry him and Bilbo had been forced to fake his death in order to get her to give up on him.  He miraculously resurrected himself after she’s married his cousin.  He claimed to this day that he couldn’t remember anything before his miraculous return. 

This was why he’d rather face trolls over Lobelia.  He was always afraid that she hadn’t completely given up on him.

“Who started this little tiff?” she demanded furiously, determined to get her jewelled roses.

“Those guys,” Bilbo helpfully pointed to the orcs and goblins.

The enemy took one look at the furious woman and fled.

Later, when Lobelia had been taken to have a nice cup of tea in Laketown by Gandalf, Thorin turned to Bilbo in the tent they were sharing and asked: “Does Erebor have any jewelled roses?”

The hobbit sniffed as he tried to sip from his tea cup using his non-dominant hand.  “You can bloody well make me some.  I broke my arm saving you from Azog, and it’s because of me that Lobelia was here to kill the damn orc.  You owe me Thorin Oakenshield.”

Thorin wisely decided not to argue with the hobbit.  He had a feeling that Bilbo could be just as terrifying as Lobelia if properly riled.

“Whatever you need of me I will do,” he assured his burglar.

“Good!  When Lobelia asks me to journey back to the Shire with her I’m going to tell her I’m in love with you and staying here.  Just nod along.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I always imagine that Bilbo could talk his way out of situations with Lobelia, but that he'd rather not have to.
> 
> Now I'm off to cry into my psychology notes.


End file.
